i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
