I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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