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You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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