Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
