she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
