I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
