Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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