soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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