she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
