my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
