That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
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Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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