well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
