when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
