I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
