And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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