the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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