someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
