i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
