so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
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I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
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His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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