if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
