it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
