Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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