You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
