His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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