good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
