i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
