Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
