i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
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Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
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My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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