I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
