The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
