I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
