I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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