I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
