tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
