I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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