Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
