Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
