dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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