i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
