Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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