I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
