i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
