If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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