when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
