Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
