after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
