You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
