Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
