In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
