my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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