Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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