does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
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ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
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There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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