She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
