Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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