shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
