I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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