I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
