Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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