Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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