she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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