i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
