Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
