Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Can you bring me the toilet please
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