i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
